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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I'm Human Afterall

     For as long as I can remember (in my adult life) I've always been the one who is STRONG, not only for me, but for others as well.  I've never been a "needy" person. I've never been one to have to reach out to my friends and family for support or comforting words, etc.  I'm always the one doing that for everyone else.  I've never been one to get stressed out easily, and when I did feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I just handled it on my own...and very well, if I do say so myself.  I enjoy being there for others and helping others whenever I'm able to.  I'm a giver; it's just something that is in me. It's a natural thing for me to do.  I like making others happy, and I also find it very rewarding and in a sense, therapeutic.  
     However, in the past months, I have not been myself....AT ALL!   I still do for others and can be strong for them. Being strong for myself though, has been a completely different story.  I'm not sure if it's because everything happened all at once like a giant avalanche just came crashing down on me, or if it's because they're all matters of the heart.  All at once, divorce and extreme hardships with my son happened.  As you can imagine, I love my kids with everything in me, and these hardships I'm facing are absolutely tearing me up inside. This is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I've ever had to do...and it's killing me.  I have been an emotional disaster!  On top of that,  I'm having to do it alone, and it's been quite a while since I've had to cope with these things alone. Yes, I have my girlfriends who are appreciated more than anything, but I mean the day in and day out details of this situation that I'm dealing with on my own. I feel almost abandoned in my time of need.  Nearly every day, I just wish I had someone's arms to be wrapped around me for a few minutes, to be told it's going to be ok, and to not feel completely alone.  I have a close friend, who I assumed I could depend on for that, but I guess my neediness (if you want to call it that.  I don't really think time together and a hug is being extremely needy) is pushing this person away, which is exactly what I don't want.  You know who you are, and I love you and value our special friendship.  I'm very sorry for dumping my issues on you, when you too are facing a difficult situation. 
     I just can't wait for the situation with my son is resolved. Then, I can relax, and feel like ME again....STRONG, not stressed, and definitely not needy!  I hate being this way!
    On a different note, I am still pushing to get myself ready to compete at Jr. Nationals again!  I have 11 weeks and 2 days to go!  Even though, this is adding to my stress, it's also the one thing keeping me somewhat sane because it gives me a goal to focus on, something to look forward to.  Fitness is still my passion, and I'm giving it all I've got at the moment!

2 comments:

ashley said...

well i love you and i dont even know u ;-)! im so grateful for your post you have been putting up, such an inspiration beyond only what u and i could know. im a single divorced mother of two, of course in america poverty stricken, and just want a way out! sometimes i get like you and want to give up, maybe more days than not but some how "We" keep Going. You, your life, and your realness has really found a place in me where my discouragement meets with encouragement! keep writting and keep posting maybe you should do a bio book, honestly im not much of a reader but i would deffinitely be a consumer! but as for your situation you had going on with your emotinally insensitive friend,....sometimes you have to really question peoples motives that are around you. you cant be the one giving and giving and giving all the time with no one to replenish. I feel your pain, but u know what to do!

ashley said...

well i love you and i dont even know u ;-)! im so grateful for your post you have been putting up, such an inspiration beyond only what u and i could know. im a single divorced mother of two, of course in america poverty stricken, and just want a way out! sometimes i get like you and want to give up, maybe more days than not but some how "We" keep Going. You, your life, and your realness has really found a place in me where my discouragement meets with encouragement! keep writting and keep posting maybe you should do a bio book, honestly im not much of a reader but i would deffinitely be a consumer! but as for your situation you had going on with your emotinally insensitive friend,....sometimes you have to really question peoples motives that are around you. you cant be the one giving and giving and giving all the time with no one to replenish. I feel your pain, but u know what to do!